FIRST COPY:
Upright
reflection
Mirroring velocities
Companions
Above
……………………………………………………………………….and
Below
On
tiled floors
Precise formations
Moving aberration
REVISED:
Upright reflections
Gliding to mirror velocities
Of actions in
tandem
Rhyming lub-dub-lub – dub
In precise formations
Of moving aberrations
Casting bigamous silhouettes
I have used both these pieces for different prompts. In fact the words in the revised draft are borrowed from another piece written for Form for all: Meter and the pic was in the same spirit as this one - reflections on the floor. I am smitten by the concept of this picture! Open to suggestions.
For dVerse where Victoria C.Slotto wants us to revise an earlier piece at:
Very cool how this mirrors the image. Your revision is even more precise.
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you made. I think your revisions work better visually too.
ReplyDeletei think they are both cool...the second one def makes me think a bit more and i like how you play off the reflections....
ReplyDeletecool take on the pic and cool edits as well - ha i like the Rhyming lub-dub-lub – dub..smiles
ReplyDeleteGlorious puns and connections. Aphorisms included.
ReplyDeleteLove both the rewrite and the original but was glad to see the mirror-gerund gone. Too strangling to the tongue :-)
So similar but I like the lub-dub much better than the -----
ReplyDelete